Your turn to find a pattern AND a stimulus in a session

In this lesson you will apply what you've learned to find a pattern and a stimulus in a session.

To give you a better sense of what this looks like I've included a transcript example.

Before reading it, you may want to review the five steps which I've copied below.

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1. Find a pattern.

              1a. **Find thoughts.**

2. Find beliefs causing the pattern.
3. **Notice if any “conditioned” stimuli could contribute to the emotional parts of the pattern and note these. [I tend to focus most on the three most common—rejection, judgment/criticism, not meeting other’s expectations]**
4. Eliminate the beliefs.
5. Eliminate any conditioning you noted in step 3.

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Here's the example session.

F: What would you like to work on?

C: I think a lot before I say something to my colleagues at work. I'm afraid of coming off disloyal.  I'm usually direct when I speak.  But sometimes I'm in my head thinking too much and too long before speaking.  And in my body there's a lot of stress.

F: Is it just at work?

C: Yes.  At work I have to see these guys every day.  My livelihood depends on me having good relationships with them.

F: You said you are usually very direct ... but sometimes you think too much and have stress before speaking up.  What kinds of situations do you have a hard time speaking up?

C: When I have to say something critical about someone's ideas.  If I have to challenge another person's point of view.  This happens a lot especially at meetings.

F: What thoughts do you have before you say something critical?

C: That it will damage the relationship.  And they'll think I'm disloyal.

F: OK.  So if you think about criticizing another's ideas at work, then you feel fear and stress in your body.  And you have thoughts like "this will damage the relationship" and "They'll think I'm disloyal."

C: Yes.

F: And you mentioned that this happens at work and that you depend on these people.  So do you fear giving criticism to anyone whom you depend on?

C: That's a good question.  Maybe.  Mostly I depend on people at work.  I really do need them.  But yes this can happen with family members as well ... I tend not to bother to give criticism to member's of my family though.

F: OK.  Thanks I think we have most of what we need here.  See if this sounds more accurate "When I'm with people that I depend on, I feel anxiety about giving them criticism, I think a lot about what I'm going to day and I feel stress in my body."

C: Yes.  Yes.  You got it.

F: Great.  So now let's look for a belief that would cause this pattern.  Since you mentioned that you're concerned that the relationship will be damaged maybe you have a belief like "If I criticize someone, the relationship will be damaged?"

C: That sounds right.

F: You could also be conditioned to fear giving criticism.  In my notes I'll write down that as a possibility "Fear associated with giving criticism."

[Next the facilitator helps the client get rid of the belief "If I criticize someone, the relationship will be damaged." The source was when he was a kid, if he were to say anything critical of his mother's food or anything else she did, she would get extremely upset and stop speaking to him.  

Next he tried the stimulus process.  Also the facilitator did identify other beliefs as well such as "If I share criticism, then the person will think I'm disloyal."  But for this example we don't need to list them all.]

F: Just in case this issue might involve fear conditioning, I'd like to help you with that as well.

C: OK.

F: First, I'd like to explain a bit about what that is.  Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs?

C: A long time ago in college.

F: So basically Pavlov was able to condition dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell.  He rang the bell, presented food, rang the bell, presented food.  Eventually the dogs would salivate when the bell was rung even if no food was presented.

C: Yeah I've heard of that.

F: Well, the same thing can happen in humans.  We can get conditioned to fear something that isn't scary, just like a dog can be conditioned to salivate at a bell which probably doesn't taste good.

C:  [Chuckles] Yeah OK.

F: So I'd like to take you through a process to deal with fear that could have been conditioned to giving criticism.

C: I'm ready.

F: So I'm going to ask you some questions that will bring up some of same ideas that we've talked about so even if I know the answer, I'll ask you the question anyway.

C: OK.

F: So what are the earliest experiences in which you felt fear when you gave criticism.

C: When I would say I didn't like my mom's food.  She'd get very angry and not want to speak to me.

F: And when she did that what did it mean that produced the anger?

C: That the relationship was damaged.

F: So the relationship felt damaged.  Did that make you feel less loved?

C: Well, I knew she loved me.  But ... yeah I did feel less loved at those times.

F: And as a child when you felt less loved, how cared for did you feel?

C: Hmm... not very.

F: And if as a child you were not cared for what would happen to you?

C: I'd be very upset.  I'd be unhappy.  Feel very down.

F: Yes you would have all those feelings.  And what would happen to you after some time had passed if no one were to care for you?

C: I wouldn't make it.

F: Yes.  Can you see that with no love and no care, to a child it feels like survival is at stake.

C: I wouldn't have thought of that.  But yes.  That makes sense.

F: Can you see that the fear came from the meaning you gave to mom's reaction when you criticized her food and you depended on her for survival? It was never caused by giving anyone criticism in any situation?

C: Yes I see that.

F: And can you see that the only reason you feel fear today when you give criticism is that you never made that distinction? You didn't distinguish between giving your mom criticism when you needed her for survival and giving anyone criticism?

C: Yes.

F: To make this distinction more real, imagine that when you were a kid and didn't like your mom's food and said something about it, that instead of her getting upset, she said "I'm so sorry that you don't like the food today."  And she said it in a very gentle, compassionate way.  Would you have felt fear then.

C: She wouldn't react that way.

F: I agree.  It sounds like that's nothing like how your mom would react.

C: Maybe it would work better if I imagined I had a different mother.

F: Sure, we can try that.  So imagine your mother was a different person, a person who took criticism in stride and whose feelings weren't hurt by it.  And imagine you said "I don't like the food!"  

C: Yeah I see that.

F: And if that had happened would you have felt fear when giving criticism?

C: No.

F: And if you didn't feel fear then, would you feel fear today?

C: No.

F: Why?

C: Because I wouldn't have had that experience.

F: Yes.  And you would not have been able to associate fear to giving criticism because you gave it and didn't get an angry response.

C: Yes.

F: So close your eyes, take a deep breath.  Imagine that you are with a colleague in the future and you need to tell her that you don't like a particular idea of hers.  How does that feel?

C: It feels fine.  It feels OK.  I don't see myself with that stress feeling anymore.

F: Congratulations! You just de-conditioned a trigger for fear.

That's the end of the lesson.  Below are your assignments.

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Assignment 3-3A Work with yourself to find a pattern and a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.

Assignment 3-3B Work with your buddy to find a pattern and find a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.

Assignment 3-3C Find a partner not in the class and find a pattern and find a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.[/box]

How to use patterns and thoughts to guess at triggers for emotions (Part 2)

So I imagine this client is in front of me and his mind gives him thoughts like "they won't like it."  So I ask myself "what would a person believe to automatically assume that something they create won't be liked by others?"  

For me this brings up beliefs such as "I'm not good enough" which often comes from having your parents not like things that you do or criticizing things you do.  A person could even have a belief like"Nothing I do is good enough" or "People don't like what I do"  as well although I haven't heard that last one before.

The thought "It represents me and it might not be good enough" gives me similar ideas.  The client could have a less extreme version of the belief "Nothing I do is good enough" such as "What I do isn't good enough."  

The thought "I'm worried they'll judge it" brings up similar ideas for me as the above.

Now let's get to triggers for fear.

For the thought "They wont' like it" I might look for fear that's triggered by rejection or not meeting expectations. This is because for some having people not like something they did would be a rejection and would be failing to meet expectations.

For the thought "It represents me and it might not be good enough" what comes to mind is that the client might fear rejection since the client says "it represents me..." so the client would be seeing other's reactions as a rejection of himself and and not just of his work.

For the last thought "I'm worried about being judged" the trigger for fear would be actually being judged.

If you didn't get the answers I did, that's OK.  It's easier for me to imagine different client's I've worked with to help me come up with answers.  So if you didn't come up with much or if you don't like your answers, that's OK.

You are learning frameworks here and when you work with clients, you'll end up generating your own examples that will make everything far more clear.

How to use patterns and thoughts to guess at triggers for emotions (Part one)

Note: You may want to download the Thoughts-Beliefs-Conditioning handout and print it out now.  It is needed to follow along with this lesson.

Here are the steps to finding a pattern and an emotion conditioned to a specific trigger:

1. Find a pattern

              a. **Find thoughts **

2. Find beliefs causing the pattern
3. **Notice if any “conditioned” stimuli could contribute to the emotional parts of the pattern and note these [I tend to focus most on the three most common—rejection, judgment/criticism, not meeting other’s expectations]**
4. Eliminate the beliefs
5. Eliminate any conditioning you noted in step 2

You’ll notice that there are a couple of extra steps included here.

I added Step 1a because it makes it easier to see when to use the stimulus process and I suggest that you add this to what you already do after finding a pattern and before looking for beliefs.

Step 2 you already do—finding beliefs.

Step 3 is when you find out if you need to do the stimulus process.  It’s when you come up with some ideas of situations that might stimulate any emotions that are involved.

Step 4 you already do—eliminating beliefs.

Step 5 you’ll use what you’ve learned and practiced so far to actually de-condition the stimuli for any emotions you’ve found earlier.

In many sessions you won't find a trigger that's been conditioned to produce an emotion but sometimes you will. So it's worth spending a small amount of time to look especially when there is a pattern involving fear or anger.

To make this more clear, here’s an exercise.

Pattern:  Client avoids doing preparation for meetings or any events in which his work will be judged.  He feels fear before avoiding the prep work.  This client has never done The Lefkoe Method.

First I talk to the client and I get a pattern.  In this example the client “Client avoids doing preparation for meetings or any events in which his work will be judged.”

I then get the client’s thoughts.  I get them to imagine being in the situation and feeling some of the feelings.  Then I ask, “What thoughts go through your mind as you imagine being in that situation?”

Next, I record each of these thoughts.  By the way I also record the thoughts that the person gives me as we go through the process.  Sometimes clients say some random things at the “wrong” times during the process.  Sometimes this extra info helps us to find other beliefs.  Record this info then bring the client back into the process.

After I record the thoughts I work with the client to find beliefs that cause each thought.  Often I have to suggest the beliefs.  So it’s good to have an idea of what they might be.

So what I'd like you to do is get the handout titled Thoughts, Beliefs and Conditioning and save it or print it out, if you haven't already, and fill it out with what you think the beliefs and conditionings might be.

Please look at that document and write or type answers to fit each of the empty boxes before clicking the link to go to the second part of this lesson.  You will still learn even if your answers are different than mine.  And don't think that your answers are wrong if they are different.  This is, after all, a hypothetical client.

Click here for part two of this lesson.

Three reasons it can be tricky to identify emotions conditioned to specific triggers

Finding conditioning can be tricky for several reasons.

First, because of a process called extinction -- in which a person can stop producing an emotion such as fear if the trigger is experienced in a "safe" manner over and over -- the client might not get triggered in certain situations that used to trigger an emotion.

For example, although fear of public speaking can be caused by a variety of beliefs and triggers conditioned to produce fear, for some the fear goes away with success in public speaking.

In one famous study people who had a fear of public speaking were lead through a process that got them "desensitized" to public speaking so it no longer produced fear.

If a person from this study were to do a session with you and you asked if they feared criticism in all situations, the person might say, "I used to but in some situations like public speaking, I no longer fear it."

If this happens, and the client is able to notice that in most situations the fear happens after the trigger or used to, then you can proceed.  Even if you are wrong about their being fear conditioned to a trigger, you've only used a few minutes and you may learn something.

Second, a facilitator might think the client's emotion is conditioned because the emotion might show up very quickly in response to a trigger.

If the fear shows up quickly after a trigger, that does not mean the fear is conditioned.  It might be conditioned, it might be caused by beliefs and it might be both.  A person's beliefs can produce an emotional response just as rapidly as a conditioned trigger.

Third, the client might deny having any thoughts or beliefs that cause the emotion.

If that happens, one thing you can do is have the client imagine the situation that produces the emotional response and you can say these words

"Imagine the events unfolding slowly. Now notice the thoughts, worries or concerns you have as you see the events slowly unfold."  

This gets the client to slow down and imagine the events which makes it easier for them to notice thoughts.  Also, by saying "notice the thoughts" I've implied that there are thoughts instead of asking if there are thoughts. When I say it this way, most clients are able to notice thoughts.  I then use these thoughts to find beliefs.

So there are at least three reasons that it can be tricky to identify an emotion conditioned to a trigger and a solution for each.

1. The emotion can be "extinguished" in certain situations so it no longer produces the emotion in all the situations it once did.  To solve this recognize that a trigger might not be consistent.
2. An emotion can show up very rapidly in response to a trigger and still be caused by beliefs only, conditioning only or both.
3. A client might not notice thoughts or beliefs.  To handle that have them imagine events slowly and ask them to "notice" the thoughts they have.

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Quiz
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The 3 parts of the anger conditioning equation

In this lesson you'll learn the three parts of the anger conditioning equation.

This will allow you to help a client find the events that conditioned their anger so you can de-condition it.

So what causes anger?  The last time that Morty, Shelly and Rodney taught about anger conditioning in a live workshop in 2008 we taught that it has 3 elements.

1) Desire to do something + 2) Something or someone is in your way AND thinking it shouldn’t be + 3) Meaning “I’m powerless to get it out of my way” = Anger

In other words

Desire + Obstacle (shouldn't be) + Powerlessness = Anger

For example, if you see the injustice that a dictator has caused, you might feel anger.  

Let's see how this would fit into the anger equation.

1. You might have a desire for the situation to be different.
2. The dictator is preventing the situation from getting better and you think he should not be.
3. You feel powerless to stop him.

If you eliminated any of these three elements, would you feel anger?

If you did not care about what the dictator was doing ...

Or if you cared that people were suffering but believed the dictator was right to be doing what he is doing ...

Or if you cared and could instantly stop the dictator from harming others ...

According to the anger equation, you would not feel anger if any of these elements changed.

Let's consider an example that's more like what your clients might bring up.

A child is told to clean the dishes and the yard by his parents (parents clearly not upset).  

They don’t listen to him when he says, “It’s not fair" and "why can’t Suzy do it”.  

He does what he is told but is resentful.

Why is the child angry?

Before you read how it fits into the anger equation, think through how this example fits the three elements described above.

So here's my analysis:

(1)The child doesn't want to do chores and asks if his sister Suzy can do it.

His parents ignore him when he gives his objection, so they are now in his way (2) and since they are not listening to him he's powerless (3)

Here's another example. Read it and consider how it fits the three-part equation for anger.

Child says, “Will you get me that new toy?”

Parents say “We are not going to buy that for you.”

“Come on, please.  I’ll do extra chores around the house for a week.”

“I said no.  And if you say anything more about it, you’ll have to go to your room.”

The child is angry.

Here's my analysis:

What made the child angry here is not merely being denied a toy, it's having further communication shut down by the parents.  This made the child feel powerless.

So I'd fit it into the equation in this way.

(1) Child wants to communicate desire to mom and dad.

(2) Parents get in the way of further communication.

(3) Child feels powerless to keep communicating with mom and dad.

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Assignment:

For each trigger for anger in an adult, find events that could have conditioned that trigger to produce anger.

Link to assignment

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Module 1-0 - Introduction

The purpose of this course is for you to learn how to use all of the Lefkoe De-Conditioning processes so you can help your clients make total transformations in a pattern AND integrate them into your work with clients in finding patterns and beliefs.

By the end of this module you will be able to ...

1. List the three steps by which fear and emotions in general get conditioned to specific stimuli (aka how something becomes a trigger for fear)
2. Explain the 5 parts of the social fear equation
3. Use the LStimP to break the connection between fear and a trigger

When Morty taught the Lefkoe Emotional Processes he used to open the workshop with the story of how he gained the insight which produced these processes.  Here's what he wrote about how it happened.

In 1996 we had a client who eliminated over one hundred beliefs and, as a result, made many fundamental changes in his life. Nonetheless, he still had several strong emotions that seemed intractable, for instance, he would get extremely angry when anyone asked him to do something. He had stopped acting on the anger and he no longer acted on it, but the emotion remained almost as strong as ever.

Over a period of several months we tried assisting this client to eliminate the remaining dysfunctional emotions. The result of this work was the realization that, although some emotions are the direct result of beliefs, many are conditioned responses that appear to be unrelated to beliefs. When that is the case, the Lefkoe Belief Process is not useful because there is no belief to eliminate.

Out of our work with this client and many others over a six month period, we developed a new process that we call the Lefkoe Stimulus Process (LStimulusP). Although it is based on the same principles as the Lefkoe Belief Process for beliefs, it is specifically designed to eliminate emotions directly. It is simpler to use than the basic Lefkoe Belief Process and usually takes only five to ten minutes to completely eliminate the stimuli for such emotions as fear, anxiety, anger and guilt. The Lefkoe Sense Process, a slight variation of the Lefkoe Stimulus Process, eliminates general emotional senses we have of ourselves and life.

In this course you will learn about these processes and several others he developed over the years which will allow you and your clients to make even deeper changes.