Your turn to find a pattern AND a stimulus in a session
In this lesson you will apply what you've learned to find a pattern and a stimulus in a session.
To give you a better sense of what this looks like I've included a transcript example.
Before reading it, you may want to review the five steps which I've copied below.
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- Find a pattern.
1a. **Find thoughts.**
- Find beliefs causing the pattern.
- **Notice if any “conditioned” stimuli could contribute to the emotional parts of the pattern and note these. [I tend to focus most on the three most common—rejection, judgment/criticism, not meeting other’s expectations]**
- Eliminate the beliefs.
- Eliminate any conditioning you noted in step 3.
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Here's the example session.
F: What would you like to work on?
C: I think a lot before I say something to my colleagues at work. I'm afraid of coming off disloyal. I'm usually direct when I speak. But sometimes I'm in my head thinking too much and too long before speaking. And in my body there's a lot of stress.
F: Is it just at work?
C: Yes. At work I have to see these guys every day. My livelihood depends on me having good relationships with them.
F: You said you are usually very direct ... but sometimes you think too much and have stress before speaking up. What kinds of situations do you have a hard time speaking up?
C: When I have to say something critical about someone's ideas. If I have to challenge another person's point of view. This happens a lot especially at meetings.
F: What thoughts do you have before you say something critical?
C: That it will damage the relationship. And they'll think I'm disloyal.
F: OK. So if you think about criticizing another's ideas at work, then you feel fear and stress in your body. And you have thoughts like "this will damage the relationship" and "They'll think I'm disloyal."
C: Yes.
F: And you mentioned that this happens at work and that you depend on these people. So do you fear giving criticism to anyone whom you depend on?
C: That's a good question. Maybe. Mostly I depend on people at work. I really do need them. But yes this can happen with family members as well ... I tend not to bother to give criticism to member's of my family though.
F: OK. Thanks I think we have most of what we need here. See if this sounds more accurate "When I'm with people that I depend on, I feel anxiety about giving them criticism, I think a lot about what I'm going to day and I feel stress in my body."
C: Yes. Yes. You got it.
F: Great. So now let's look for a belief that would cause this pattern. Since you mentioned that you're concerned that the relationship will be damaged maybe you have a belief like "If I criticize someone, the relationship will be damaged?"
C: That sounds right.
F: You could also be conditioned to fear giving criticism. In my notes I'll write down that as a possibility "Fear associated with giving criticism."
[Next the facilitator helps the client get rid of the belief "If I criticize someone, the relationship will be damaged." The source was when he was a kid, if he were to say anything critical of his mother's food or anything else she did, she would get extremely upset and stop speaking to him.
Next he tried the stimulus process. Also the facilitator did identify other beliefs as well such as "If I share criticism, then the person will think I'm disloyal." But for this example we don't need to list them all.]
F: Just in case this issue might involve fear conditioning, I'd like to help you with that as well.
C: OK.
F: First, I'd like to explain a bit about what that is. Have you heard of Pavlov's dogs?
C: A long time ago in college.
F: So basically Pavlov was able to condition dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. He rang the bell, presented food, rang the bell, presented food. Eventually the dogs would salivate when the bell was rung even if no food was presented.
C: Yeah I've heard of that.
F: Well, the same thing can happen in humans. We can get conditioned to fear something that isn't scary, just like a dog can be conditioned to salivate at a bell which probably doesn't taste good.
C: [Chuckles] Yeah OK.
F: So I'd like to take you through a process to deal with fear that could have been conditioned to giving criticism.
C: I'm ready.
F: So I'm going to ask you some questions that will bring up some of same ideas that we've talked about so even if I know the answer, I'll ask you the question anyway.
C: OK.
F: So what are the earliest experiences in which you felt fear when you gave criticism.
C: When I would say I didn't like my mom's food. She'd get very angry and not want to speak to me.
F: And when she did that what did it mean that produced the anger?
C: That the relationship was damaged.
F: So the relationship felt damaged. Did that make you feel less loved?
C: Well, I knew she loved me. But ... yeah I did feel less loved at those times.
F: And as a child when you felt less loved, how cared for did you feel?
C: Hmm... not very.
F: And if as a child you were not cared for what would happen to you?
C: I'd be very upset. I'd be unhappy. Feel very down.
F: Yes you would have all those feelings. And what would happen to you after some time had passed if no one were to care for you?
C: I wouldn't make it.
F: Yes. Can you see that with no love and no care, to a child it feels like survival is at stake.
C: I wouldn't have thought of that. But yes. That makes sense.
F: Can you see that the fear came from the meaning you gave to mom's reaction when you criticized her food and you depended on her for survival? It was never caused by giving anyone criticism in any situation?
C: Yes I see that.
F: And can you see that the only reason you feel fear today when you give criticism is that you never made that distinction? You didn't distinguish between giving your mom criticism when you needed her for survival and giving anyone criticism?
C: Yes.
F: To make this distinction more real, imagine that when you were a kid and didn't like your mom's food and said something about it, that instead of her getting upset, she said "I'm so sorry that you don't like the food today." And she said it in a very gentle, compassionate way. Would you have felt fear then.
C: She wouldn't react that way.
F: I agree. It sounds like that's nothing like how your mom would react.
C: Maybe it would work better if I imagined I had a different mother.
F: Sure, we can try that. So imagine your mother was a different person, a person who took criticism in stride and whose feelings weren't hurt by it. And imagine you said "I don't like the food!"
C: Yeah I see that.
F: And if that had happened would you have felt fear when giving criticism?
C: No.
F: And if you didn't feel fear then, would you feel fear today?
C: No.
F: Why?
C: Because I wouldn't have had that experience.
F: Yes. And you would not have been able to associate fear to giving criticism because you gave it and didn't get an angry response.
C: Yes.
F: So close your eyes, take a deep breath. Imagine that you are with a colleague in the future and you need to tell her that you don't like a particular idea of hers. How does that feel?
C: It feels fine. It feels OK. I don't see myself with that stress feeling anymore.
F: Congratulations! You just de-conditioned a trigger for fear.
That's the end of the lesson. Below are your assignments.
[box]Assignments
Assignment 3-3A Work with yourself to find a pattern and a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.
Assignment 3-3B Work with your buddy to find a pattern and find a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.
Assignment 3-3C Find a partner not in the class and find a pattern and find a stimulus for an emotion that relates to the pattern.[/box]